Just like all the Others
by curdled-milk
Summary: plotless angsty one-shot. just because.


I really, really hated the Soujiro/Yuki story arc in last year's hyd plotline. I'm still convinced that soujiro's got serious unresolved issues, and that yuki is an idiot for wanting him at all. But what do I know? I don't own hyd. But if I did, this is what yuki'd be going through right now..  
  
*Just like all the Others*  
I know I shouldn't complain. I got what I wanted -- or something close to it-- in the end. But still, I wish things had been different.  
  
Tsukushi was so proud for me. I never cried once. Not during this whole sorry affair. And how could I let her down now? I thought I was changing myself into a better, stronger person. But deep inside, I'm still me. . . And I can't change how I feel, no matter how hard I try. The best I can do is hide it. And hide it well.  
  
I said I wanted closure, so I could fall in love with someone else. Yes, that's what I said. I didn't mean it, though. "I'm going to fall in love again, and this time it's going to be good!" What a joke. Even Tsukushi didn't believe me at first. But I convinced her, and even. . . almost. . . myself. But really, life doesn't work like that.  
  
Tsukushi doesn't realize anything is wrong, that I'm hurting in here, and she's my best friend. I'd tell her, but as I said, she was so happy for me-- happy that I was no longer the crybaby I used to be, happy that I'd found a resolution to the love that was eating away at me. I just couldn't make the words come out. I guess I am stronger in some sense now -- I'm better at hiding my true feelings. Is that was growing up is really about? Well, so I almost told her once, but that was before her own problems came to the forefront once more. Now that Doumyouji-san is leaving, she's all wrapped up in saying goodbye, and enjoying their last few weeks together. My own mistakes seem insignificant when I look at what they've had to go through. And I don't ant to burden Tsukushi with my disappointments, when her boyfriend is leaving for four years. Who knows if they can really last, separated as they will be, by so much distance and time. I know Tsukushi worries about it. I've seen her unhappy face often enough at work these days, as she looks distantly out toward the future.  
  
She's not here today, She came briefly, but then the F4 stopped in and took her away. I saw Nishikado-san then. He flashed me one of his insouciant grins, and that was it. I wanted to curl up and die. But I've better control now. I didn't even blush.  
  
Now I'm all alone in the shop. Yup, just me and my memories  
  
It's funny really, Tsukushi warned me about the F4, when she first met them- - when I first met them. I didn't listen-- who would? They were just about the hottest guys I've ever met, not to mention rich, and well-mannered. They were like men straight out of a dream. And the way they-- well Nishikado-san, and Mimasaka-san, at any rate-- were always trying to help her get together with Doumyouji-sama and Hanazawa-san. . . Well, it was just so cute, and so romantic too! Nishikado-san was such a flirt, but he was always kind to me too, so how could I help falling for him?  
  
I was such a fool. You know those stories in which the love of a good woman can reform the most unrepentant sinner? Well they lie.  
  
Either that, or I'm not the good person I'd like to think I am.  
  
I thought I was so very clever. I saw through him, I saw the good man beneath that shallow plastic exterior. I saw the hidden pain behind those sparkling eyes. I knew, just knew, that if I could make him face his past, face that which had made him sad, then he could change. That then, he'd admit to me, and to himself, that there was more to him than a clever tongue and a hot body.  
  
Well, I almost succeeded. Even though, in reaching for that success, I thought I'd lose him to his past anyway. I was wrong. Not only did he face Sarah and the secret love they'd never been able to admit to the other. But he managed to convince himself, that now that he'd faced his past, and reconciled himself with his failure to communicate his love, it was ok to continue his current path; Never falling in love, never being serious about anything. He was like, "Ok, I feel better now. It's time to continue business as usual." What kind of attitude is that? I thought maybe he would have learned something? Maybe at least learned not to pass opportunities by, just because they are the more difficult choice. Or because they will take you some place unexplored and unfamiliar . . .  
  
. . . I thought he might choose me.  
  
I tried. I put my bravest face on, and I told him, even if he didn't-- even if he couldn't-- love me I still wanted him.  
  
He said ok.  
  
Fool that I was, I think somewhere deep in my heart, I thought it was a step forward, that by achieving physical intimacy, I could somehow lead him to emotional intimacy as well.  
  
I forgot one thing. One thing he'd told me long ago. "I only sleep with Stupid Women." He'd said. He'd also told me then, that he wasn't capable of love. The whole Sarah deal shot that theory out the window, so why not the first one too?  
  
Sadly this was not true.  
  
The sex was good, at least. I don't have anything to compare it to. Not yet. But he more than met my expectations in that regard. So that's something, But afterwards. He never called, never bothered to try and see me. I should have known; that's what he's like. But he had said he wanted to be friends, even if he couldn't love me.  
  
I guess the only kind of friend he meant, is the kind of friend you wave to across the street when you see them, but don't bother to stop and say hello to.  
  
I think we might have been friends, if I hadn't pursued him. That's what hurts the most. But when I asked for the last time to keep him warm, he knew then, that I was trying to be someone I wasn't. I was trying to keep him near me, by being the kind of girl he liked. He hid his disappointment well, but I know now, that at that moment, some switch in that convoluted brain of his went *click* and he realized that I was just like all the others. Just another stupid girl to be used and discarded. I couldn't ever be a real friend of his after that.  
  
Yeah, you know. Sometime I hate it when Tsukushi is right. But this time, I have to admit it. I should have taken her advice. I should have stayed as far from the F4 as I could,  
  
And I never, ever should have slept with Nishikado Soujiro.  
  
My name is Matsuoko Yuki, and I'm a stupid girl.  
  
Just like all the others.  
  
yeah, I was supposed to run a meeting tonight. No one showed. Fuckers. So, instead I wrote this stupid plotless oneshot. What a waste of a bad mood. 


End file.
